|Original Public Domain Photo Source: SOS
I’ve been searching for direction lately. And by lately I mean for quite a while now. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a great ocean grasping at anything that might serve as an anchor and fill me with purpose. Usually that anything is a combination of academics and work.
The waning of spring brings unblemished transcripts and assurances of grants, scholarships and everything for which I worked almost obsessively during the school year. The high reaches its peak, and I am left often ill and lost. I feel as if I am thrown back into the waves with nothing to hold on to.
So, I bury myself in endless self-imposed projects and summer courses that I religiously believe I need to accomplish before time runs out. Time. It haunts me because it never stops, and I am sure I will run out too soon. Life is an endless routine of prioritizing what can take up my time, and what I should ignore. It drives me crazy–this fear of not doing enough in what time I have.
I do not fear death, per se, rather that I won’t have figured out what I am meant to do, or that when I do, it will be too late and I no longer have time or energy to accomplish it. I don’t think I fear death. No. I fear life.
Living requires so much gut. So much courage to fail because with it comes the need to arise, courage to succeed because with it comes the need for a balance between humility and confidence, courage to be lost because with it comes the need for faith, courage to be found because with it comes the need of knowing how to be content. Yes, living requires so much gut.
I suppose it is the classic case of wondering what my purpose in life is and of finding things with which to occupy myself while I figure it out. Recently in my devotions I read the following,
“Let us remember that while the work we have to do may not be our choice, it is to be accepted as God’s choice for us. Whether pleasing or unpleasing, we are to do the duty that lies nearest. ‘Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom in the grave, whither thou goest.’ (Ecclesiastes 9:10)” – Faith I Live By
This paragraph reminded me of this post about finding purpose in the day-to-day that I wrote over two years ago. It reminded me that my purpose today is to put my trust in God. My purpose today is to love, to believe, to smile, to witness, to perform the jots and tittles of life with all of the vigor and might and gut that life requires. My purpose is today. My purpose today is to do my best. That is enough.
Have you ever struggled with purpose?