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O que aprendi ao namorar alguém fora da igreja

Um dos maiores desafios que os jovens enfrentam hoje, é a tentação de entrarem em um relacionamento com uma pessoa que não compartilha da mesma fé. Sei disso por experiência própria e de outros jovens da igreja, dos quais vi e ouvi. Gostaria de compartilhar o que eu vivi e as lições que aprendi ao namorar alguém fora da igreja, além de relatar como Deus me abençoou quando me rendi e confiei totalmente nEle para encontrar a pessoa certa para mim.

Era o início do meu primeiro ano do Ensino Médio, quando, um dia, o conheci! Ele era muito gentil, alto e bonito, e genuinamente interessado em mim. Foi o primeiro rapaz que demonstrou querer se relacionar comigo, e fiquei lisonjeada que alguém gostasse de mim daquela maneira. Ele também era cristão, mas eu sabia que não poderíamos ter um relacionamento porque não compartilhávamos das mesmas crenças. Tinha consciência que, provavelmente essas diferenças causariam muitos conflitos, mas estava surpreendida pela agradável sensação de ser apreciada! Na igreja, sentia que ninguém me via daquele jeito então era legal saber que alguém gostava de mim. Esses sentimentos, a dúvida e o prazer da atenção, acabaram me levando a um relacionamento com esse garoto – meu primeiro namorado, meu namorado do Ensino Médio.

Eu o amava, ou pelo menos acreditava que sim. Sentia como se ele fosse a única pessoa que me entendia. Tínhamos os mesmos amigos na escola, saiamos juntos para comer ou fazer trilhas, e pelo resto dos meus anos escolares ele me fez sentir bem. Eu ignorava o conflito causado por nossas diferenças e a discordância entre as nossas crenças. Meus pais, eventualmente, descobriram sobre nosso relacionamento e ficaram preocupados. E eu sabia que suas preocupações eram válidas. Embora estivesse frustrada com eles, à época, no fundo, eu sabia que nosso relacionamento não era certo ou saudável. Mas não conseguia terminar com ele, muito menos esquecê-lo.

Quando me formei no colégio e comecei cursar a faculdade, pensei que seria mais fácil terminar as coisas entre nós. Mas ele era persistente e persuasivo, e não consegui. Passei os próximos três anos da minha vida universitária com ele. Foi difícil e estressante. Às vezes, sentia que nunca mais seria feliz. Queria que ele visitasse a minha igreja e, que um dia aceitasse minhas crenças como suas, mas quando ele visitava a igreja, me sentia desconfortável e desejava que nunca tivesse ido.

Mas nem sempre era assim, e havia momentos felizes e de tranquilidade. Durante seis anos passei bastante tempo com a família dele e me tornei parte dela. Desenvolvemos um vínculo forte e, apesar de nossas diferenças, ele sempre me escolhia. Estávamos juntos nesse desafio e, embora nossas diferenças nos dividissem, de certa maneira, elas também nos aproximavam. Ele prometeu que ia se batizar, mas disse: “Se eu abrir mão de algumas das minhas crenças e me batizar, você também terá que fazer concessões e aceitar algumas das coisas que eu acredito”. Concessão! Eu odiava essa palavra! Significava que eu teria que renunciar a algo, mas no fundo não acreditava que minha fé deveria ser comprometida e não devia renunciar nada. Examinávamos nossas crenças e discutíamos as semelhanças entre elas, mas nunca chegávamos a um acordo. Às vezes orávamos juntos, mas sentia que nossas palavras eram vazias. Mesmo assim, eu mal podia esperar para sair todos os dias para ficar longe da minha família e estar com ele.

Comecei a notar que estava perdendo todas minhas amizades da igreja e meu relacionamento com minha família estava ficando tenso e contencioso. Tentei argumentar comigo: “Qual é o problema? Muitas pessoas se casam com descrentes e dão um jeito. Talvez eu possa ir à igreja e ele possa ficar em casa, mas eu teria que garantir que nossos filhos fossem à igreja!” Lutei. Chorei muito. Estava sob muita pressão. Eu costumava implorar para ele ir à igreja e estudar com meu pastor, mas ele sempre contestava tudo e nunca aceitava e só queria estudar comigo, para que pudesse me confundir e me pressionar a ceder em alguns pontos.

Finalmente percebi que precisava terminar o relacionamento, mas não tinha forças para fazer isso sozinha. Já havia tentado terminar e esquecê-lo tantas vezes, mas sem sucesso. Mal sabia eu que havia um exército de pessoas orando por mim e implorando a Deus que me fortalecesse e guiasse minha vida. Finalmente, depois de muitas orações minhas também, percebi que não precisava dessa pessoa para ser feliz. Entreguei minha vontade a Deus e terminei com meu namorado. Ele foi embora e nunca mais o vi. Foi uma das coisas mais difíceis que já fiz e nunca teria conseguido sem as orações e o apoio da minha família e amigos. Deus me deu tanta paz e segurança em relação à minha decisão que não me senti sozinha nem infeliz. Estava convencida de ter feito a escolha certa.

Aprendi muitas lições nesse relacionamento e ficou muito claro para mim porque nunca deveria ter começado um relacionamento com alguém que não compartilhava minhas crenças e princípios. Mas também aprendi que Deus sempre teve um plano especial para minha vida, e eu precisava apenas deixar que Ele estivesse no comando. Eu gostaria de compartilhar com você o que aprendi.

Por que não?

O problema de entrar num relacionamento e eventualmente se casar com alguém que possui valores diferentes dos seus é que vocês servem a dois mestres diferentes. Vocês estão percorrendo caminhos que levam a direções diferentes, o que inevitavelmente criará conflitos. A Bíblia diz: “Andarão dois juntos, se não estiverem de acordo?” (Amós 3:3) É por isso que muitos jovens fiéis acabam abrindo mão de seus princípios e comprometendo suas crenças para evitar conflitos com alguém que amam e que os ama.

O que percebi é que os princípios de Deus para o sucesso no namoro e no casamento dependem da união, e não do compromisso. “A felicidade e prosperidade da relação matrimonial depende da unidade dos cônjuges; mas entre o crente e o incrédulo há uma diferença radical de gostos, inclinações e propósitosPor mais puros e corretos que sejam os princípios de um, a influência de um companheiro ou companheira incrédula terá uma tendência para afastar de Deus.”WHITE, Ellen G., Patriarcas e Profetas, p 174.

Um dia ele vai se converter…

“Mas um dia ele vai se converter!” Eu costumava dizer isso a mim mesma o tempo todo. A realidade é que ninguém deve entrar em um relacionamento acreditando que precisa mudar, consertar, “converter” a outra pessoa. Somente Deus transforma a alma e converte o coração! Um relacionamento em que eu estaria constantemente esperando que ele mudasse e em que ele estaria me pressionando a ceder nunca permitiria a verdadeira felicidade para ambos.

Outras vezes, eu pensava: “Mas ele já é cristão. Compartilhamos muitas crenças semelhantes, e ele concorda em participar de algumas das atividades da minha igreja. Como posso classificar uma pessoa assim como incrédula?” Mas a verdade é que se “Mesmo que o companheiro de sua escolha fosse em todos os outros aspectos digno…no entanto ele não aceitou a verdade para este tempo; é um descrente… Não pode, sem perigo para sua alma, desrespeitar esta ordem divina.” WHITE, Ellen G., Cartas a Jovens Namorados, p. 87 A verdade que eu precisava aceitar era que, essa união teria consequências eternas para ambos.

Deus tem um plano especial para a SUA vida!

Enquanto namorava alguém fora da igreja, muitas vezes sentia que não havia ninguém para mim dentro da igreja. Este foi um dos maiores fatores que me fez manter aquele namoro por tanto tempo. Foi quando me afastei desse relacionamento que Deus abriu meus olhos e me fez entender que eu não precisava me casar para ser feliz. O que eu precisava era conhecer Jesus primeiro. Ele tinha outros planos para a minha vida: “Porque eu bem sei os pensamentos que penso de vós, diz o Senhor; pensamentos de paz e não de mal, para vos dar o fim que esperais” (Jeremias 29:11).

Depois que terminei, comecei a mergulhar na Palavra de Deus. Foi então que minha amizade com Cristo cresceu e percebi que a felicidade só é encontrada através de um relacionamento pessoal com Jesus. Quando comecei a confiar mais em Deus, comprometi meus planos diários em Suas mãos. Se isso significasse que eu nunca encontraria alguém que compartilhasse minhas crenças, alguém com quem passar o resto da minha vida, não estava preocupada, porque Deus tinha grandes planos para minha vida e eu estava pronta para aceitá-los.

Foi durante esse tempo de rendição completa a Cristo que me tornei amiga de um jovem da nossa igreja do outro lado do mundo. Iniciamos uma bela amizade com Cristo no centro, e o resto é uma história para outro dia, mas hoje somos casados ​​e me sinto abençoada em poder dizer que me casei com o amor da minha vida, alguém que compartilha as mesmas crenças, objetivos e amor a Deus que eu. Alguém que me incentiva a caminhar diariamente com Deus e prova ser verdade que “o casamento afeta a vida futura tanto neste mundo como no vindouro.” WHITE, Ellen G., A Ciência do Bom Viver, p. 359.

Serei eternamente grata por ter rendido meus relacionamentos a Deus e permitido que Ele escolhesse a pessoa certa para mim. Leitora, se você está atualmente lutando em um relacionamento com alguém que não compartilha de suas crenças ou se está pensando em tomar uma decisão dessa, aprenda agora as lições que levei seis anos de vida para aprender. Coloque Deus em primeiro lugar, peça a Ele para ser seu Conselheiro e você encontrará a verdadeira felicidade. Mesmo que você pense que nunca encontrará alguém com quem passar o resto da vida, como eu pensava, deixe que Cristo seja Aquele que traz satisfação e companheirismo à sua vida! Permita que Ele seja o suficiente. “Entrega o teu caminho ao Senhor; confia nEle, e Ele tudo fará.” (Salmos 37:5)

16 comentários em “What I Learned From Dating a Non-Believer”

  1. EVELYN GESSNER

    Hello Renata,

    I too have been in that situation, although in a smaller scale. But I can relate to the struggles, the crying, the lack of peace and the tense relationship with familly members. It was hard to walk away, but I have my peace back, and that is somenthing I am not willing to give up.

    Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it’ll help those who are currently dealing with that!

    Love, Evelyn

    1. Renata Chapman

      Hi Evelyn,
      Thanks for your comment, yes that was my goal with this article, to help girls realize that we don’t have to go through all this pain and suffering, God has someone special for us and the best thing to do is to rely on Him to find the right person at the right time.

  2. Unknown Random Reader

    Well, this is true. That it’s hard for people who don’t share the same lifeview to stay together or even be happy.

    About me, I am what this text says a non believer. I mean, I believe in the Bible and Jesus, but I don’t assist any church like people from this page or many friends of mine. And I wouldn’t date a sdarm christian because I can see there would be lots of problems. Would be an illusion to believe that so different people could be happy.

    My parents were not happy because of religion. My father was atheist and my mum from sdarm.

    So yes, if a person who dosn’t believe what you believe says that loves you even like that, it’s a lie. Don’t waste your years with such person, and don’t make the other person loose time with you. You as a professed christian are not loving your neighbour staying with an unbeliever, because that is not love for such a person, but a false illusion of love, just feelings or emotions. We should repent from doing that to unbelievers as well.

    1. Renata Chapman

      Hi Unknown Random Reader,

      Yes, as you mentioned your parents were not happy because of religion you can see that it is difficult to put unbelievers in this position as well. It definitely affects both parties. I can testify that the person I dated told me he would never be happy without me, but today he is engaged to be married to someone else, and it brings me real joy to know that he finally is truly happy and that I didn’t make his life miserable as well.

      It is also important to realize that even outside of religious beliefs, if two people who love each other do not have many things they can agree upon together then it really affects your marriage and life together. No matter how much you love someone, you are not truly loving them because you are not allowing them to be the happiest person they can be. You are basically restricting them from being with someone who they could truly be happy with.

      Thank you for your comment I am glad my article was a blessing to you.

  3. Hi there. Thank you for your story! I’m in a similar situation as well. After looking for so long for a partner in church and Christian circles, I met a “religious” lady, who believes in church and also in Christ, but not as the Bible wants true believers to believe. I still came together with her and it’s been 6 months now. Ever since I always wondered why I’m restless and lost peace and can’t even sleep well although anything else is ok. We share some biblical views but there is the most important decision of her accepting Christ as her savior missing. I feel like she pulls me away from my faith and builds a invisible wall between me and God. Especially in these days we need someone we can pray with and share the same belief. At the same time, as you did, I ask myself if I would take away an opportunity for her to find to Christ by ending the relationship, since we aren’t for too long together. Of course it was wrong from the beginning to start a relationship with her, but I still am a little anxious to do the wrong thing in the wrong timing.
    My family thinks I should end the relationship, so do my friends. It just makes me really sad that she heard the real gospel so many times and yet her eyes stay closed. On top of that, her family is against real faith too but also at the same time, I became a part of her family. Its funny, that she can make compromises with almost everything besides faith. I’m not wise enough right now to do the right decision. Of course I have to decide what to do and what not at the end, but right now, I wish God would tell me unequivocally what to do.
    Thank you for reading.

    1. Renata Chapman

      Hi Marcus, so happy you were blessed by my article. I am happy you have come to the realization that dating an unbeliever is challenging and not exactly a path that God recommends. However I can see that the Holy Spirit is still working in your life and I believe this is one of the ways God is telling you what you need to do.

      I know this is hard!! I have been there myself I went through a relationship that lasted years and I can tell you I too got very involved with his family and dearly loved them as well. I also remember feeling like I would never find anyone that would love me as much as he did. I felt tainted like every guy in the church would look at me differently because I had dated an unbeliever. But all of this was Satan trying to keep me trapped in this relationship. Once I completely let go of these false ideas and trusted God completely to the point where I was happy even being single forever this is when God blessed me with the best gift that is my husband, a Godly man who brought me closer to God. A man that I would have missed out on had I kept living in a never ending cycle of unhappiness dating someone who didn’t share the same beliefs as I did.

      It took me years to let go and let God, but the beauty is that throughout this time the Holy Spirit was still with me and still guiding me and He is still with you too. Trust Him! It is hard at first but when you give your all to Jesus He gives us gifts we never dreamed of receiving. I will be praying that you make the right decision.

  4. Hi Renata
    I have been in a relationship with a non believer for ten years. Like you I wanted to let go of it but I don’t know how, when . I was in confusion. But everytime someone in my heart tells me to let go of that person. You both are not destined to be together leave him leave him but I was so scared. In the mean time my parents started searching for a suitable person for marriage and they couldn’t find it. I slowly started going away from him and yesterday I completely surrendered to god and broke up with him. He says it hurts him a lot and it hurts me too but I don’t know the way . Please pray for me

    1. Renata Chapman

      Hi Shya,

      I will be praying for you. What you did is hard, but you are not alone. Remember God is with you and even though the path may be lonely at first, I know you will find happiness in the Lord eventually. When I broke up with my boyfriend I felt so alone and thought I would never find happiness again, but God helped me so much during this time and I reached out to Him during the moments I felt so alone He was there with me bringing me peace and comfort. I eventually became happy again, even though I didn’t have another partner. Don’t feel like you need to find someone to replace him, accept God’s plan for your life in this season. There may be other seasons in your life and God may bring another person into your life but He also may not. Just trust Him with everything in your life and He will bring you peace, happiness, and joy just like He did for me. This Bible verse became my motto during this time in my life. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not in your own understandings, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” Prov. 3:5-6

      You will be in my prayers Shya, and if you ever need a friend to talk to feel free to email me anytime. God Bless.

  5. Hey.
    This experience of yours has made me think twice of dating someone outside our church, it has made me realize what kind of things I could put myself through if I did and thanks for that.
    Please continue publishing such experiences for it is helping a lot of us.

    1. Renata Chapman

      Hi Angel,

      I am glad to hear that my article was such a blessing. My intention was exactly that, to prevent others from making the same mistakes that I did. I pray you will make the right decisions about future relationships.

      God bless,

      Renata Chapman

  6. Ellen Machado Feijó

    Realmente é algo muito sério, vários jovens e até de outras denominações saem de suas igrejas por causa de relacionamentos com pessoas que não são de sua fé. Particularmente nunca me envolvi em um relacionamento com um descrente, mas temos que tomar cuidado com isso. Porque as vezes pela falta de jovens na igreja, pensamos que assim podemos levar alguém a conhecer melhor a nossa fé.

  7. Ellen Machado Feijó

    It really is something very serious, many young people and even from other denominations leave their churches because of people who are not of their faith. Personally, I have never been involved in a relationship with an unbeliever, but we have to be careful with that. Because sometimes due to the lack of young people in the church, we think that this way we can make someone better know our faith.

  8. Hi Renata,

    I’m grateful to have read your article.
    This situation has happened to me, but merely in a span of four weeks. I resonate entirely and can relate to the feelings you conveyed while being in a relationship with a non-believer.

    In my scenario, I met him in the fourth grade. We reconnected when I needed an escort to a party. When we reconnected, he was beyond caring and welcoming. It was until the night of the debut that he asked me out.

    He knew I was religious and it was conveyed through my active church volunteering and the stories I would tell him of my students at church. It seemed as though he respected it on the first two dates that we had. I was convinced that he wasn’t like the other non-believing men that have entered my life, and I soon became certain that he didn’t want to engage in anything too intimate.

    It was the first time a man drove me places, and I can not deny that I had so much fun and would leave with a wide smile on my face, frequently updating my friends on the exact details of the dates we had and how happy I was.

    But that whole time, I knew God did not want me to ever engage in a relationship with a boy who does not believe in God. He has taught me that lesson two times in the past, but I was certain it was different through the way he treated me and the happiness he made me feel. But it became evident through the way I began avoiding God and talking to Him less, fearful that he would be taken away from me. I also hid him from my parents, for I would tell my parents that I would be going out with a group of friends–but it would only be me and him.

    Everything changed on the night of the third date. We would hold hands and the proximity between us would be closer, yet I told myself that he wasn’t the type to want anything more.

    I was wrong.
    He suggested being more intimate with me. When he said those words, I felt fear rush throughout my body. It took me a couple of minutes until I told him that I did not want to ever engage in that kind of stuff, and he soon promised that he “wasn’t like the other guys” and said that he wouldn’t take advantage of me. I firmly told him that I am very religious and that I put God first. He soon asked me how religious I was on a scale of 1 to 10, and I immediately said “10.”

    The conversation changed, but the whole situation continued to bother me the next day. I asked my friends for advice, and they told me to confront him in person the next time I see him. But it continued to bother me and I could no longer hold in the feelings and boundaries I wanted to instill.

    The day after the third date, I confronted him and told him my boundaries. I told him that I never want to engage in that type of stuff until I am married and explained that what he suggested scared me. I told him that it felt like it was all he wanted from me.

    He replied saying that he didn’t have those ill intentions at all and apologized. I assumed that things were resolved, for he told me that he hoped I had the same fun that he had on the three dates we had. But the day after these messages, he texted me saying that we should go back to “purely being friends.” He also asked me to prom on the third date, but he requested to call off prom in that same text message.

    I was taken aback, I thought things were resolved and that he would respect my boundaries and continue what we had.

    But I soon realized that it was God that sent him away. God knew I was too comfortable and wouldn’t leave, so He took him away knowing that it would be the only way I would move.

    It still stings, but the feelings of discernment and anxiousness that I was straying away from God those three weeks are no longer present. I am no longer bonded to that man, but I can’t deny that the memories are still intact. A mutual friend told me that he said he’s completely fine, that he’s “on to the next (girl).”

    I ask God why He allowed this to happen, but now I know that it was another lesson that He wanted me to make sure I understand.

    I apologize for how long this comment is, and I sincerely appreciate you if you read to this point.

    Do you have any advice in regard to staying on God’s path? Or did you have any methods in removing the memories you had with the nonbeliever guy you dated (before you married your current husband)? How did you accept things and move on without the memories hurting you and circling throughout your mind? What did you do to improve your relationship with God?

    I also apologize for the number of questions I’m asking.

    1. Renata Chapman

      Hello Grace,

      Thank you for sharing your story. While my experience in a relationship with an unbeliever was a lot longer than yours I definitely shared the same sentiments of hurt that you feel. I acknowledge that every relationship you encounter leaves memories that last a lifetime. It’s hard to not pass by that restaurant you had your first date or drive by the places you used to frequently visit without remembering some of the good times you might have had with that person. Which as you mentioned wasn’t all bad. What stings too is that he moved on so quickly. It seems he was not as emotionally involved in the relationship as you were, which hurts even more. I will confess I went through the exact same thing and it wasn’t easy. In terms of removing memories I had a bunch of pictures and I threw them away I tried getting rid of everything that reminded me of him. But memories may never go away so whenever I had memories I would submerge myself into different hobbies, keep myself busy, and do my best to read Gods word. I came to terms with the fact that I may be single forever and began to read Gods Word more and more each day. I stopped frequently visiting social media because that would always remind me of him and I would always see pictures of people with their significant others and it was always hard. These were just some of the things I did and I felt that it was so amazing because I stopped getting worried I’d not find anyone and focused more on myself and making myself a happier person focused on Christ being the center of my life.

      In terms of being able to move on, one of the things that helped me is recognizing that God moved in a wonderful way in my life, in preventing me from marrying him and being unhappy forever. In your life it seems God has worked in a wonderful way too by preventing something worse from happening to you. Imagine if you had gotten intimate with him and he would have dumped you and moved on as quickly as he has done now, you would have been so devastated. So you can thank God that He delivered you in a wonderful way from making a big mistake in your life.

      In terms of staying on the path and being encouraged in the Lord I think the biggest thing for me is reading the Bible and constantly talking to God; telling Him how you feel everyday, every moment. It’s a daily thing, sometimes I don’t feel like it, but those are the times when we need to push through and ask for help and ask Him to give us the desire to have a relationship with Him.

      Hope this was helpful I know God has a special plan for you and while it’s tough to be in your situation, just know you are not alone. God has greater things in store for you and He desires to get to know you better so keep seeking Him and He will direct your path to great things.

      Praying for you and feel free to reach out if you have any other questions or thoughts to share.

      Blessings

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